My Future & Stuff | Rambling

When I was younger, I watched my older cousins graduate. They seemed so old to me, as if they 

had their whole life together and planned out perfectly. I have a distinct memory of sitting in my 

closet after a graduation party trying to count up the years until it was my turn to graduate. I was 

maybe 8 or 9. Ten years ago, 2015 was a lifetime away. 

I was also terrified of the idea of graduating and going off to college, so finding out that I didn't 

need to think about it for so long was a major relief. 

Now it's actually here. And I'm not terrified anymore. I'm excited for the future. I'm excited 

for change. I'm going to graduate this year. I've been doing the same thing every school year 

(meaning school at home. I've had a different curriculum every year, sometimes more than one 

a year, so in that sense my school wasn't the same ;) ) and this coming fall will be completely 

different. Do I know what I'm doing? Nope. I in no way have my life planned out. I don't know if 

I'm going to college, I don't know what I'm doing this summer. All I know if that it's going to be 

different and out of my control. 

Trust is necessary for sanity during change. Whether I stay home for a year and take classes at our 

local college while working, or if I end up at my dream college in the fall, it will all be a part of 

the plan the God has in store for me. 

The most exciting part of all of this is that I have no way of knowing what the future has in store. 

My future is a mystery that's gradually unfolding before me and outside of my plans for myself. 

It's taken me a long time to accept this fact, but with that acceptance comes a feeling of security. 

Knowing I don't have as much control as I'd like to think I do is scary, even though it's what's 

actually best. If I knew everything that's going to happen, my life would lose excitement and I would lose motivation. 

There's that icebreaker question that goes something like 'If you found a book of your life, would you read to the end?' and I used to think that I would, but now I wouldn't. I'd probably read up until where I am now, to see how accurate this book is, and then freak out about how much or little is left, but I wouldn't want to know how it ends. I wouldn't even want to know what happens in the chapter after my current one. I want to live it instead of obsessing over it.